Wood Wit & Lumber Laughs
Posted on Friday, September 7, 2018
Categories:
Construction Industry
We've assembled a pile of wood wit & lumber laughs to add some levity and a smile to your day. The construction business is tough and we all need to pause and laugh. If you got a chuckle out of these like we did, share this page with your construction friends.
A CONTRACTOR IN HEAVEN
A contractor dies on a fishing accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band.
Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says "Congratulations!"
"Congratulations for what?" asks the contractor.
"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter. "We are celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old."
"But that's not true," says the contractor. "I only lived to be forty."
"That's impossible," says Saint Peter, "we added up your time sheets."
***********************************************
THREE CONTRACTORS
Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida.
At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?"
So, to the back fence they all went to check it out.
First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.
Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, "$2,700."
The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
"Easy," he said. "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Texas."
*************************************************
THE TWO CARPENTERS
Two carpenters were working on a house. The one who was nailing down the timber would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.
The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, “Why are you throwing those nails away?”
The first explained, “If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it’s pointed towards me, I throw it away ‘cause it’s defective. If it’s pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!”
The second carpenter got completely upset and yelled, “You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren’t defective! They’re for the other side of the house!”
*************************************************
DINNER AND A MOVIE
The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on his house. “You did a great job,” he said and handed the man a check. “Also, in order to thank you, here’s an extra $100 to take the Mrs. out to dinner and a movie.” Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter. Thinking the painter had forgotten something the man asked, “What’s the matter, did you forget something?”
“Nope.” replied the painter. “I’m just here to take your Mrs. out to dinner and a movie like you asked.”
*************************************************
STRONG MAN
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. “Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is,” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”
“You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied. “Let’s see what you got.” The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right, Get in".
*************************************************
HIGHWAY CREW
One morning a local highway department crew reached their job-site and realized they had forgotten all their shovels. The crew’s foreman radioed the office and told his supervisor of the situation. The supervisor radioed back and said, “Don’t worry, we’ll send some shovels … just lean on each other until they arrive.”
*************************************************
GOT SHINGLES
A man walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied, “I got shingles.” She said, “Fill out this form and supply your name, address, medical insurance number. When you’re done, please take a seat.”
Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, “I got shingles.” So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, “Change into this gown and wait in the examining room.”
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, “I got shingles.” So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, “Shingles.” The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said, “I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can’t find shingles anywhere.”
The man replied, “They’re outside in the truck. Where do you want them?”
*************************************************
WINDOW PAYMENTS
A window salesman phoned a customer. “Hello, Mr. Brown,” said the Sales Rep, “I’m calling because our company replaced all the windows in your house with our triple-glazed weather-tight windows over a year ago, and you still haven’t sent us a single payment.”
The customer replied, “But you said they’d pay for THEMSELVES in 12 months.”
*************************************************
APPLYING IN PERSON
A carpenter walks onto a job site of a large company and hands the foreman his application.
The foreman begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job
he has ever held. “I must say,” says the foreman, “your work history is terrible.
You’ve been fired from every job.”
“Yes,” says the carpenter.
“Well,” continues the foreman,
“there’s not much positive in that.”
“Hey!” says the guy as he pokes the application. “At least I’m not a quitter.”
*************************************************
ON SAWMILL TIME
Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator in a small
Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time.
One day the operator summed up nerve enough to ask him why the regularity.
“I’m foreman of the local sawmill,” he explained. “Every day I have to blow the
whistle at noon so I call you to get the exact time.”
The operator giggled,
“That’s really funny,” she said. “All this time we’ve been setting our clock by your whistle.”
*************************************************
GREEN SIDE UP!
A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants. She says, “Now, in the living room, I’d like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm.” The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, “Green side up!” The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide.
They wander into the next room. She says, “In the dining room I’d like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy.” The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells “Green side up”! The woman is even more perplexed but still lets it slide.
They wander further into the next room. She says, “In the bedroom, I’d like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue.”The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells “Green side up”! This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she says, “Every time I tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window ‘Green side up.’ What on earth does that mean?”
The contractor shakes his head and says, “Yeah, sorry. I have four blondes laying sod across the street.”
Tagged:contractor, tradesmen, humor